When you realise true love, too late
by EmRosey
Summary: OLD .
1. Heart Break

**_So... Here it is! The sequel to When a hurting heart cant be healed. Writen because you wanted it... so tell me what you think!_**

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**_A HUGE thanks to SassyLostie for the great ideas for this fic! XD i added a few twists of my own! Please Review! Thanks!_**

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Kate sat on the sofa stroking her stomach, it had no signs of showing yet, but 5 days ago, the day after they got off the island Kate had found out she was pregnant. She then twisted the silver diamond band Jack had given her the night after they had been rescued, when he asked her to marry him.

The phone began to ring so Kate headed into the hallway to pick it up. It would be one of the people from the island, they where the only people who rang her, Jack's friends from the hospital sometimes rang, but he had gone back to work yesterday and he was there now.

"Hello?" Kate said down the phone, wondering who it could be, she had received phone calls from many of her friends on the island, but not the one she missed most of all. Sawyer. She wished he would get in touch with her, as she didn't know where to find him.

"Hey, Kate" A voice said, it was Hurley, Kate was happy to hear from her friend, but her heart sank when it wasn't Sawyer. Even saying his name in her head now caused violent shivers down her spine, his name still gave her such feelings, but she was with Jack, she had chosen Jack, it was the right choice… wasn't it?

"So what can I do for you Hurley?" Kate asked.

"So, Claire and Charlie are getting married and were gonna invite people from the island and some of their family and stuff, I said id help invite people." He said importantly. "In fact i'm his best man, with his bro Liam"

"That's great Hurley" Kate said, she could almost see his face in her mind swelling with pride. "So who's gonna be there, off the island?" What Kate really wanted to ask was if Sawyer was going to be there, but she figured this was a more subtle way of asking.

"Well, um… Charlie and Claire obviously, Me, Sayid, Locke, Michael, Walt, Sun, Jin, Rose, Bernard, Desmond" He listed. "And you and Jack if you can make it"

"Is Sawyer going?" Kate plucked up the courage to ask, her tongue rolled as she said his name, her heart fluttered. Stop this Kate, your engaged to Jack!

"Um… Kate?" Hurley asked, with a weird tone in his voice.

"What?" She asked a funny feeling of fear rose in the stomach at the tone Hurley used.

"Jack didn't tell you? Did he?" Hurley said, realising. "Kate, dude. I don't know if I wanna be the one to tell you this"

"Tell me Hurley" Kate demanded, her stomach swirling with a mixture of fear dread and worry, why hadn't Jack told her? And more importantly, what had happened to Sawyer?

"Uh…" Hurley started, unable to think of words to explain "He's kinda, dead Kate"

"He's what?" Kate half shouted, and half whispered down the phone, he had to be joking with her? He wasn't dead, he couldn't be.

"Well" Hurley decided, he needed to explain it all to her "The night we got back to America, he went back to the house where he lived as a kid, and he kinda, well he…" Hesitated Hurley, he didn't really want to say what had happened, he didn't know how to say it. "The shotgun he had on the island, he shot himself."

Kate dropped to the floor as her trembling knees gave way under her, she only just managed to keep hold of the phone, her fingers wrapped around it in a shaky grasp. Sawyer, kill himself? This had to be some kind of sick joke, but she felt in her heart it was true. Silent tears slid down her face, she only stopped breaking down into complete sobs because she was still on the phone.

"A local who was walking his dog heard the shot and called the police, it was lucky, his house is so far out of the way, if that man hadn't been walking his dog, well…" Hurley said, the line was silent for a while "Kate?" Hurley said, hoping she was ok.

"I'm here" She managed to sniffle down the phone.

"Well I should be going," He said nervously "I'm sure Jack meant to tell you"

"Yeah, Bye" Kate said, that fact hadn't really registered. All she could think of that Sawyer was dead. She would never see him again, she would never hear his southern drawl call her the beloved nickname 'Freckles' he had given her.

She clicked the phone back into the receiver with a trembling hand. Jack had lied to her, he was meant to be marrying her, he was meant to love her, and yet he had failed to tell her that one of the most important people in her life had died. Not just died, but killed himself.

Kate broke down in sobs as she began to feel a fresh new feeling flooding over her.

Guilt.

What if it was her that had driven him to his death? He had hated her since she picked Jack. She was sure he had, she knew he loved her. His voice floated into her head "_I love you Freckles_" One of the last things he had said to her, before she picked Jack, after that he had never spoken to her again.

"I love you too" She whispered hoarsely, unable to stop the words falling from her mouth, but they were the truth.

As one tear dried to just a stain on Kate's cheek two fresh new ones ran in its place.

Just then Jack came through the door.

"Hey darling" He said, as he came through the door, then he dropped down at the side of her when he saw her. "Oh god, Kate are you ok?"

"_I'm_ fine" She said, sarcastically.

"What's a matter?" He said, stroking her face.

"You didn't tell me" She said, gritting her teeth and batting his hand away.

"Didn't tell you what…" He said, and then remembered "Oh…"

Kate remained sat on the floor her sobs no reduced to silent tears.

"Kate… I just… I…" He stuttered, trying to think up an excuse.

"Don't bother Jack" She said, staring at him in disgust. How could she have ever loved such a man? A man who neglected to tell her about the death of one of the most important people in her life… just as bad as lying. But the truth was, if Kate was really honest with herself, she wasn't sure if she ever loved Jack. She had cared for him, but not know, she couldn't, how could she?

"Its ok, Kate" He said "We can fix this"

"Jack, listen to yourself!" Kate screamed, suddenly very loud as she jumped up "You cant fix this. Sawyer is dead! And you've lied to me"

"I haven't lied to you Kate" He said desperately.

"Well you lied to Hurley, you told him you'd tell me" She shouted "And you weren't exactly coming forward with the truth!"

Jack stood in silence, he would have told her, if it was someone else. He loved Kate, he tried to tell himself he did it to protect her, but he did it out of pure jealously, jealously that Kate may love Sawyer more than him.

"I only did it to protect you Kate" He started.

"No you didn't" Kate screamed "Stop lying, we both now why you did this, because you were jealous, that I might have loved him more than you! And you know what – I do! And know he's dead, and its all my fault!"

"Its not your fault Kate" Jack said pleading with her to calm down.

"Yes it is, he once told me that I was all he had to live for" She said, the words burning in her mouth "And I chose _you_ over _him_. And know he's killed himself, I should have been there, then he wouldn't have I just know it"

She ran up the stairs away from Jack who was shouting after her, but she took no notice. She could hardly see where she was going, tears clouded her already fuzzy eyes. She randomly pushed clothes into a rucksack and ran back down the stairs.

"Where are you going Kate?" Jack said, spotting the bag.

"I'm getting away, as far away from you as possible" She said, in a deathly low, serious tone "I_ hate_ you Jack Shepard"

And with that she ran out into the street and collapsed in tears a few blocks away on the side of the road.

And after that Jack, or anyone else for that matter, never saw Kate Austen ever again.

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**_Please review XD_**


	2. Heart Ache

**_Ok, so you demanded I continue more with Kate - and I did! Its very long, I hope you like it! Please tell me what you think - I dont want my time to have been wasted LOL! No my time is never wasted if people enjoy the story, Please Review! Thanks!_**

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Kate ran, for how long she didn't know. Even though she knew that Sawyer was dead, she knew because the moment she had been told her heart fell from her ribcage and shattered, shattered into a million pieces, and that just couldn't have happened if it wasn't true. But she still had to see for herself, she had see him, talk to him, even though his cold, lifeless form would be under six feet of hard brown earth, she would still know he was there, and to say what she needed to say, knowing he was there was important to her.

When she decided to stop running, wiping the tears from her face, she saw that she was on the very outskirts of the city, she was in the middle of a field and all that she could see of the place she had once called home was just a blur of lights and tall outlines of sky scrapers. She swore to herself she would never go back to that place again, or back to that man, Jack, who she had foolishly chosen over Sawyer, which had caused his terrible death.

She headed over the field and walked into the distance, she was determined to get as far away as possible. Tiredness was creeping up over her, doubled with the cold as she had run away in nothing more that a sweater and jeans, yes she had a small rucksack with clothes in, but she didn't need them, she didn't even notice the rain as it began to fall around her, soaking her through even colder, but that couldn't match the coldness she felt in her heart, now that Sawyer was gone.

Day turned into night and Kate stopped on a park bench to sleep, she found herself looking out onto the horizon, such a beautiful night, and she couldn't help thinking about the only person she'd want to watch it with, and know she couldn't. She lay down on the bench and dissolved into tears, and finally sleep.

She awoke the next morning, wondering where the hell she was and why. Slowly the news crept up on her again as she tried to push the tears back. She had something to do today, something important.

She headed into the next nearest city as fast as she could and got there around lunch time. Thankfully, she had brought her ATM card with her so she could get money, after withdrawing a sizeable amount from her and Jacks joint bank account (she felt it was payback, even if very small, for not telling her) She put it in her purse and went into an internet café. She wasn't at all hungry, she couldn't eat when she felt like this, but she paid her fee and logged onto one of the computers and looked up the plane crash. It wasn't the first time she had looked it up, her and Jack had looked it up one night and found out there was a small piece written about everyone.

She found the page she had been looking for James 'Sawyer' Ford. She took a deep breath as she clicked the link and it opened a page. There was a photo of Sawyer on the island, Hurley had found a disposable camera, no doubt for someone's holidays, and taken pictures until the film had run out. In the picture Sawyer was being him usual self, and sarcastic dimpled smile on his face which made Kate think he was probably giving Hurley one of his many nicknames at that point. Her heartstrings tugged violently as she saw him on the screen, she knew it was only a picture but it spoke so strongly to her, because it was a picture of a man she thought she'd never see again. Unable to stop it, her hand reached up towards the screen, her fingers smoothly stroking the face on the picture, she could feel the stubble, the softness of his hair even now, although it was only a picture, the sensations she had felt when she had touched his face, stroked his hair before, all came flooding back to her.

How could I have left this wonderful man for Jack? She questioned herself as a tear started to roll down her cheek.

She scrolled down for his information. There it was in black and white.

_James Ford – Deceased_.

Although Kate already knew, this was the final stab in her heart, the utter bitter truth. Kate read the text below.

_James Ford, sometimes known by Sawyer, was a con man before getting on Oceanic Flight 815. On the island he was a sarcastic show, and also a bit of a ladies man. Hugo Reyes, flight survivor had this to say "Sawyer was sarcastic and often nasty, he gave people nicknames, nice ones for the girls most of the time, but some, especially mine were nasty. But underneath you could tell he cared, when something bad happened, he acted like he didn't care, but I think everyone could tell he did. He could be mean too, he kept a stash of things in his tent, things that people really needed, and sold them for it for favours, anything he could get."_

Kate smiled as she remember Sawyer on the island, Hurley had just summed him up. Although, with Kate one day he actually showed her he cared, and it was only days after that she set up with Jack. Hiding from the memories Kate continued to read.

_James Ford's body was found in his childhood home by a dog walker who heard a gunshot, and rang the police to inform them. James Ford had survived the island and gone straight to his childhood home in Sequoyah Hills, Knoxville, Tennessee after getting off the rescue ship. Police believe that when he got home he shot himself in the head, the shot was fatal and he died instantly. _

Kate broke down as she saw the words, it seemed so factual, so hard, not like Sawyer at all. But now she knew what she was doing, where she was going.

She headed to the bus station and found the bus which would take her to the train station. She wasn't on the bus for long, and was soon outside the station. She went straight to the ticket booth, sadness and determination swirling inside her.

"One way" She said, taking notes out of her purse "To Knoxville Tennessee"

"You can just make the half 3 train" He said, checking the computer "That's $20 please"

Kate slammed the money down quickly into the tray and her ticket was passed through. She grabbed the ticket and checked the platform, she found platform 9 and the train had already pulled up. She took her seat for the journey, with her small bag of possessions beside her. She suddenly decided she was very tired and fell slowly into a peaceful, comfortable sleep, well as peaceful and comfortable as she could be on a train anyway.

The train stopped with shudder and woke Kate with a start. She got off the train quickly and out of the station. She went into a news shop outside the station. She bought a map of the local area and discovered that she was in the centre of Knoxville. She figured she could get a bus from wherever she was to Sequoyah Hills. She got directions from a passing taxi driver who offered her a ride, she thought about it, but figured she might need to save the money she had, although she had plenty. He told her how to get to the bus station, and when she did she found out that the next bus was in an hour, and she would have to get it, as it would be the last of the day. She went to a café and bought a coffee. She didn't actually drink it, she stirred it around in the cup, her thoughts always on the same man, and how different her life would be if she had chosen him, chosen right. For once she faced the cold hard truth about why she had chosen Jack over him. She knew Sawyer had loved her, and it scared her, although she loved him too, everyone she had ever loved had got hurt, Tom, Kevin. She didn't want Sawyer to be hurt too. Jack had loved her, and he wanted something to fix, that was his life, fixing things. Kate cared for Jack, but she never really loved him the way she loved Sawyer, that way she thought she could keep both of them and herself, safe.

But that plan hadn't worked, everyone was hurt. Sawyer had been hurt, so hurt it had driven him to his end, Kate thought her mind sticking in guilt. Jack after she left him, but he lied to her, so in a way she felt he deserved it. She had been hurt also, hurt that Jack had lied, but devastated, broken, when she found out Sawyer had killed himself, hurt couldn't even describe how she felt.

Her mobile phone beeped, she had set the alarm so she wouldn't miss her bus. She gathered her things and boarded the bus to Sequoyah Hills. Tears sprang in her eyes an old lady sat across from her shook her out of her depression.

"Are you ok dear?" She asked caringly.

"I'm ok thanks" She lied, sniffing and wiping her eyes.

"Have a tissue dear" She said, offering Kate a hanky.

"Thanks" Kate accepted, wiping her eyes on the soft cloth.

The rest of the journey seemed like a blur to her and by the time the bus arrived in Sequoyah Hills she hadn't even noticed the hour and a half it had taken pass by. She stepped of the bus and the cold wind hit her in the face, she stopped and took a hooded sweatshirt out of her rucksack and pulled it over her shoulders. She looked around her, not knowing where to start. She walked down the road in a random direction and found a bar, she went inside hoping someone could help her with directions.

"Hi" Kate said, approaching the barman.

"What can I get ya pretty lady" He asked, setting down a glass.

"Nothing thanks" She smiled "Just directions"

"Where to?" He asked her curious.

"Are there any cemeteries around here?" She asked him.

"About 20 minutes away the nearest, I think" He replied "Greenwood Cemetery"

"Thanks" Kate replied, she didn't bother to ask for directions, she knew it would be hard to follow them, so she went outside and looked up the phone number for a taxi service on a phone box and used her mobile to call them.

Within 15 minutes Kate was in the back of a taxi taking her to the cemetery. She had no idea if this was the right one, but seen as this was where he lived, she figured it was a good place to start, she didn't care how long she had to look, she would find him, she thought, gritting her teeth in determination.

"Want me to wait?" The driver asked, Kate looked around and noticed that they had stopped outside the cemetery.

"No thanks" She said, unbuckling her seatbelt "I've got a lot to do"

"Ok" The driver replied, he gave her a sympathetic look, he was obviously used to this run "That's $10.95 please"

Kate handed him a $20 note "Keep the change" She said, she hardly hear the driver say thanks before she walked off towards the gates.

She slipped through into the cemetery and looked for any clue where to start. She found out she was near very old graves, and as Sawyer… well his grave would be fresh. She walked round the edge, the graves getting newer and newer until she finally got onto some which looked freshly dug. She walked around and around them and her heart stopped as she saw the gravestone she had so dreaded seeing.

_Here lies James Ford  
Aged 35 years_

_1969 – 2007_

_Oceanic Flight 815 Survivor_

Kate heart beat heavily inside her chest, hot steaming tears flowed down her cold icy cheeks. Why wasn't there more? Someone who missed him, loved him? Kate looked around and saw 2 tiny bunches of flowers at the base. She read the tags on them one read;

_Dear Sawyer, we will miss you dearly, Love from, Hurley, Locke, Sayid, Charlie, Claire, Sun and Jin._

Kate felt sick as she saw that her and jacks names were missing, she felt slightly lifted though, as she realised the other survivors had been at his funeral. She looked over at the second bunch. She picked them up and read the label.

_Sawyer, I'm sorry you never wanted to know Clementine, she wasn't here today but ill tell her about you someday, From Cass_

Kate recognised the name as Cassidy, he had told her about her, the long con and how she was the mother of his only child, Clementine. Or the only child he knew about, or so he had told her.

Kate wished she had some flowers or something to leave him, she looked around and saw a grave full of flowers. She battled with herself but her love for Sawyer won. She edged over slowly and took one of the smaller, less noticeable bunches from the pile, removing the tag.

"Sorry" She whispered to the grave, feeling weirdly guilty.

She placed the flowers down beside the other two and sat in front of the gravestone cross-legged. She could almost see Sawyers face in her head, smiling at her actions sarcastically.

"I know" She muttered to the grave "Murder to grave robber huh?" She even let out a small giggle.

Her head spun with all the things she wanted to say to him, all the things she _needed_ to say.

"Oh Sawyer" She breathed, collapsing against the head stone "Why didn't I stay with you? I needed you, I thought I needed Jack, he was the more proper choice, even you said, ladies dig the doctors remember?" She said, as if he was there with her "I'm so… so sorry Sawyer" She choked, the words sticking in her throat her vision becoming more and more blurry as the tears of truth, guilt and love formed in her eyes. "I'm sorry, sorry I didn't stay with you, but I was scared Sawyer, so scared that id hurt you, hurt me" She said, she was now unable to stop the truth as it poured out of her heart, out of her soul "But this way I still hurt you, I still hurt me, why did you do it Sawyer why? How could you leave me? But its all my fault, my fault your gone, I know it Sawyer and i'm sorry, I cant be more sorry than I am now, never" She said, hoping some of the guilt would lift, but it didn't "I didn't want to hurt you but I did, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much. I never wanted to hurt you Sawyer because… I never wanted to hurt you because…" She said, willing herself to say what she felt, what she needed to say, but had always been too scared to say "Because _I love you_" She finally whispered out into the cold open.

She broke down into complete utter sobs, loud wails that echoed, but nobody heard. The rain started to thunder down around her, merging with the tears on her face, salty tears dropping into rainwater puddles. She didn't notice as her clothes stuck to her body, her hair plastered down around her face, framing her delicate, but distraught features. Even though tears of guilt and sadness poured down her face and her faced swam with pain, she felt a strange weight be lifted from her shoulders, she felt free now she had said how she felt, even though he wasn't there, and no amount of tears or guilt or begging could bring him back, she felt a small beam of happiness come from inside her, a light of freedom beamed from inside her, and although unstoppable tears slid down her face, she could smile. Now she had said what needed to be said, she felt content that she could carry on with her life, remembering the good things about Sawyer not the bad, and the guilt could be lifted from her shoulders.

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**_This is now the end! 100 deffiantely, I dont know where I could take it from here! Please review and tell me if you liked it!_**


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